I'm not ready

 

We did it! They are off. My heart is walking outside of my body, taking the form of my three children, off to school again.

I would like to say it gets easier. (But it might not).

I would like to say it’s at least smoother. (But it might not be).

Or perhaps that you can count on them being more independent. (But that might not be factual).

This isn’t sounding encouraging. My heart goes out to you parents, and particularly you mamas, who just did something big. Maybe your launch day isn’t for another week or two, but it’s coming. And I have news for you:

YOU WILL NEVER FEEL READY.

I had that realization this morning, as I walked home from dropping my baby off at his bus stop. I could have done all the preparation in the world (which, by the way, I didn’t) and still I would not feel ready. There is always more. Can I just make peace with this fact?

My firstborn was up this morning before anyone else. She took care of her own breakfast (after I stumbled out of bed to tell her I’d bought a new, unfamiliar brand of milk which she failed to locate in the refrigerator without my guidance). She was showered, already dressed in her volunteer t-shirt and had her lunch made by the time I even poured my coffee. She was the one telling ME what her schedule looked like today, what time she needed to be where. Her first day isn’t technically until tomorrow but she is showing the ropes to a group of 6th graders today, my responsible little leader. I actually watched her stop herself from leaving for school 20 minutes early because she was that ready to go.

She’s ready, but I will never be.

My middle was next in our series of wake ups. We bought her very first alarm clock yesterday (no time like the present!) and the singsong tune it rang out this morning marked it’s maiden voyage. This kid has never been awake before 7 AM, with the exception of the time we were boarding a flight for Disneyland. The learning curve with early mornings is going to be a steep one. But she made it out of bed and was ready with her priorities straight-ish. Her outfit was set out last night and she slept on top of her covers (no bed to make!) She ate a good breakfast and was the one of my trio with the most intricate first day sign. She’s all in when it comes to arts and crafts. We might actually be late to her first day of middle school BUT HER FIRST DAY SIGN IS GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL GOSH DANG IT. 

She’s ready, but I will never be.

My son is the last one up. He was up late last night watching his dad play softball because, priorities. He’s the baby of the family and late summer bedtimes are a hard habit to kick. He wakes on his own and is as cool as a cucumber. He’s not at all nervous because he’s “been going to elementary school for 3 years.” He tells me the summer has gone by too fast and he’s not pleased when I ask him to make a first day sign. He’s even less pleased when I refuse to allow a full 20 minutes for our 10 minute walk to the bus stop. He’d rather play it safe and be early. Always. 

He’s ready, but I will never be.

Sure, I’m ready for a break. But I'm not ready ready. I’m elated for a quiet house that only gets as messy as I make it. But I’m not ready. I still have so many things I wanted to do this summer. I’m not ready. I wish I spent more one-on-one time with each kid. I’m not ready. I still haven’t bought Isla an umbrella. I’m not ready. I wanted to stock the freezer with grab-and-go breakfast options. I’m not ready. I didn’t create a morning routine chart to help with the flow of school mornings. I’m not ready. I haven’t brainstormed new lunch items to stock. I’m not ready. I haven’t mapped out how I’m going to spend my time while the kids are away.

I’m not ready, but the day is here. No amount of preparation and organization would have made me feel fully equipped. Were my kids sporting new clothes from a recent back-to-school shopping spree on their first day of school? They sure weren’t. But were they wearing clothes? Thankfully, yes! And shoes? Yes! (A rare miracle in the Crozier household). Did they change their underwear? If I were a betting woman, I’d guess maybe we were 1 for 3 here. Did I remember to pray for each of them and their days the way I’d wanted to? Nope! Thankfully Jesus is always available and accepting prayers. 

I’m sure you get my point. The pressure we endure to get everything “just so” leaves us forever feeling inadequate. You won’t ever feel ready, physically or emotionally. And therein lies the challenge. Can we make peace with our unreadiness and simply lean in? 

As I think of all you parents sending littles out into the big, wide world today and in the days to come, my hope is that you will know that whatever you manage to bring to the table, whether it's messy and chaotic, or smooth and organized, it is good enough. 💛 (And it's ok if you don't feel ready. No one else does either).